Happy New Year

We hope you all had a wonderful and blessed Christmas.  We had an awesome Christmas with our families.  It was great to get away for a couple of days and just enjoy the holiday.  Over the last few days I have been checking my phone compulsively to make sure that K hasn't called to tell me she's in labor, which could make for a long 4 weeks if she goes to her due date! 
As we approach 2011, Zach and I are hopeful that the coming year brings us peace with all that we've been through this year.  When I look back on the past 12 months, I can't believe how far we have come, as individuals, as a couple, and as Christians.  I remember Zach and I talked after one of our adoption classes about how all adoptive couples seem to have amazing faith in God's plan.  Now I truly know why.  I mean I knew when we embarked on this journey it would have it's up's and down's, but I never imagined it would have been like this.  In some ways I thought we would be invincible to this so-called adoption roller coaster, that failed adoptions happened to other people.  After experiencing a failed adoption (twice) I am humbled by God's grace, and so very thankful that He has so faithfully brought another birthmom into our lives so quickly.  Zach and I both still have our days when we are nearly brought to tears for "our" baby girl, but in the next thought we are so thankful that things didn't work out and that we have such a positive experience to look forward to with K. 
We appreciate and feel truly blessed to have so many people follow us on this journey.  We pray for a healthy and happy 2011 for all of you!!
Much love....S&Z

Exciting update

Zach and I got to go with K on Wednesday to her ultrasound.  This was a first for us and it was simply amazing.  God's creation is awesome and getting to experience this brought tears to both of our eyes.  Just to be able to see his little body moving around in there left me nearly speechless.  What an incredible sight to see, since it is something I will never feel.  The dr said the baby is healthy and measuring exactly where he should be for 34 weeks.  He is head down which was a huge relief to K.  We then got to tour the hospital where K will deliver and meet with a social worker there.  It's nice to know where we need to park and to know our way around at least a little bit before the emotions of this birth come into play.  It was great to spend a few hours with K and her grandma.  We love getting to know her and are so very excited about our adoption plan with her.
We are looking forward to spending time with our families during the Christmas season and hoping to continue to move past the grief we have experienced this year.  We are praying for a brighter and baby-filled 2011! 
May this season be filled with love!
S&Z

December Already???

Wow...time is flying by.  We are looking forward to spending the holidays with our families and reminding ourselves this may be our last Christmas just the two of us, so we should treasure it and not wish it away.  Next year it won't be so easy to pack up the car and go (not that we aren't looking forward to that).  I can't believe K is due next month already!  Next week we get to go to her ultrasound with her.  I don't know what to expect, but I'm quite certain it's going be pretty cool to see that little guy up on the screen knowing that in the next several weeks he could be in our arms! 
I've found myself really doubting that we are ever going to have a baby because of what S has put us through twice.  I have looked repeatedly at the agency website just to realize that adoption plans really are successful!  It's not that I don't believe K, but I can't help but have doubts with all that we've been through.  Our social worker was very encouraging the other day and reassured me that we will be united with the baby that was meant just for our arms.  We are very hopeful that we will meet him in January!! 
As we prepare for this Christmas season, we are doing our best to keep God's greatest gift at the front of our hearts.  I have gotten over my anger towards S (most of the time), reminding myself that God forgives us repeatedly for our sins.  Zach and I are no better than S, and she deserves the same forgiveness that He is willing to give each and every one of us!  For us that forgiveness doesn't mean giving her a third chance, because we are not willing to do that, but we are willing to say hi if we would run into her and we will continue to pray for her.  We ask all of you to continue to pray for her as well...she needs the love of Jesus in her life!!
Hope you all have a blessed Christmas!!
S&Z

Dealing...

When I found out S bailed on her plan yesterday I laughed.  I mean part of me knew it was too good to be true, and part of me couldn't help but laugh at what must be going through her head.  Then I got mad and that anger hasn't left yet.  I don't want to be bitter, but I really can't believe what she did to us again!  I'm upset because she lied to us again, I'm upset because we believed her again, and I'm upset because she's "playing" with a child's life.  I just can't help the fact that my heart breaks not only for this little girl, but also for her big brother (who is 2 1/2).  That's the part I just can't get over.  Zach and I were ready and willing to provide an awesome life for this little girl, and her mom's selfishness is taking that all away from her.  
I could question God over and over again in this situation wondering why us, but I have to remind myself of a quote that I've heard over and over again during my 27 years..."God doesn't give you anything you can't handle".  Do I like this quote yes and no, I think I have a love/hate relationship with it.  It's a great reminder that we will get through the obstacles that God has placed in our lives, and on the other hand it leads Zach and I to ask "Why do we have to be so strong?".  I guess we may never know those answers but I do know that we will have a stronger marriage (Zach says we are going to be married for 107 years!!) and we will appreciate our children more than they will ever know.  
So thirty two hours after it all fell apart again, I pray for healing on our hearts, for the anger to leave because I know it's not productive, and I pray for good things to come.  I find myself reminding me that despite what we've been through we still have an amazing life with so much for which to be grateful.
I hope you all know how much we appreciate your love, prayers, and support, and I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving!!
I'm leaving you with something I stole from a friend's blog...not at all related to adoption, but very fitting to our situation.
Yet each day I am learning that God has a bigger picture. Some days it makes sense as to why I am here, and other days I am learning to rest in the refuge of my Father's arms instead of trying to make sense of everything.
S&Z

Second Chance

Last Thursday we got a very unexpected phone call from the director of our agency saying that S called and wanted to place her daughter with Zach and I.  After many hours of phone calls and prayerful consideration we decided that we would say yes.  We felt like there is an emotional attachment to this little girl and a hole in our hearts since she was taken away from us.  We decided to say yes with the stipulation that we weren't willing to jeopardize our current plan with K.  We were told we could adopt both babies, we just needed to see how K felt about all of this. 
S scheduled to surrender her rights today at noon and we were expecting the baby to arrive home around 1.  We went through the weekend telling ourselves we would believe it when we saw it, we weren't too hopeful given her history, but we were excited at the possibility of having babies that would be 4 months apart.  Well I'll skip through all the confusing details that have transpired between now and then.  Bottom line is that S didn't sign today, she wasn't even at the designated location at noon and she wouldn't answer her phone.  Zach and I decided that we didn't want to be contacted by the agency if she called again.  Our hearts break for this little girl, but we have to protect ourselves at this point.  We don't want to do anything to destroy what we have going with K and quite honestly we don't feel like we can go through this again.  It's emotionally exhausting!! 
On a positive note, things continue to go well with K and her pregnancy.  On Wednesday she will be 31 weeks.  She asked Zach and I to come to her ultrasound in mid December, so we are just going to keep our eyes on January.  It leaves our hearts feeling a lot less stressed and maybe even smiling!!

Time Marches On...

If you follow this blog at all you know the past couple months have been difficult for Zach and I.  As each day passes I am continually reminded of the goodness of God's people.  Today I had an appointment with a new doctor who I had obviously never met before.  I had a minor break down when she asked if I was stressed.  Stressed?? Me??...only slightly.  Anyhow, it was surprising that I felt comfortable enough to open up to her, and as I told her our story I felt myself tearing up and strangely enough as the tears rolled down my cheeks I didn't care.  What was more surprising in the end was her response.  She encouraged me to continue on this journey and asked if it was alright that she pray for me and my husband.  The internal result of my break down is what's most bizarre to me.  I feel like a bitter weight was lifted off my shoulders today.  Who knew baring your heart to a stranger could be so liberating.  Maybe I'm just having a good day, I'm sure I will always be emotional about what we've been through, but for whatever reason today was a good day and I feel like I am continuing to come out of the dip and climb up the next hill on this roller coaster ride.
In my spare time this week I have found myself obsessed with another blog.  Friends of our friends are in Ethiopia as we speak meeting their son for the first time.  They go to court on Thursday for the rights to be signed over to them.  Please say an extra prayer for James and Kelly this week, that they will develop an amazing bond with their son and that they have a safe trip back to the US.  They travel home without their son, and return to get him in 4-10 weeks following their court date.  As I follow their blog, I am more certain that God is preparing my heart for an international adoption in the future.
Blessings!!
S&Z

7 weeks past....13 to go!

Things have been a little emotional over the last couple of weeks.  Most of the time I feel like we were living a dream on 9/9/10.  Last Thursday was a rough day for me.  It was the day I would have gone back to work after a 6 week maternity leave, so it's the day "our" baby girl turned 6 weeks old.  This past weekend on our way to our niece's baptism I couldn't help but remember the outfit I bought for our little girl to wear to celebrate her cousin's special day.  I find myself wondering almost on a daily basis how "our" baby girl is doing and what she looks like as she grows.  On the other hand I feel like there might be something wrong with me because I feel emotionally detached from what we've been through.  It seems so surreal that we were so close to being parents, that we held her in our arms, and then in a blink of an eye it was all over.  I find myself wanting to avoid social situations so I don't have to talk about all that we've been through.  It's still really difficult, and I don't know how long it will take before its gets easier. 
Zach and I both just continue to look forward to January, and feel so blessed that things are going so well this time around.  We are building our baby boy's wardrobe thanks to wonderful gifts from Zach's cousins.  The nursery is overflowing with blue sleepers!!  K is 27 weeks today and she continues to feel well.  Her last visit to the doctor everything looked good with baby.  I actually received a text from her on Monday asking if Zach and I want to be at her next ultrasound.  I was so excited!!  That was something we never got to experience our last go round. 
Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers as we continue towards our gift!
S&Z

4 Weeks and a Little Peace

It's been 4 weeks ago, almost to the minute that we lost "our little girl".  It's crazy to think it's only been 4 weeks ago.  Part of me seems to think it's been years, but I still have my moments of weakness when I just break down.  As prepared as we were for it to fail, part of me can't believe it really happened.  We were hours from bringing her home!  I think what I struggle with the most is all that we gave of ourselves to S.  We gave so much both financially and emotionally, we allowed her into our hearts and our lives.  I often wish we had the money back that we gave her, but I remind myself that we helped her and her son, and it felt like the right thing to do at the time.
I was reminded again that this was the right thing to do as I read my transformation journal today Luke 6: 27-36 titled Love for Enemies...

²⁷ "But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, ²⁸ bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. ²⁹ If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt. ³⁰ Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. ³¹ Do to others as you would have them do to you....
³⁵ But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. ³⁶ Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

And so it brings me some peace to know that what we did was the right thing to do and that we were pleasing God in taking care of his people.   I'm sure we'd do it all again and reading this passage helps justify the feelings in my heart that want to save the world!

Refreshing!

Saturday night Zach and I met K and her family for dinner at Applebee's.  We had a good time and left there feeling refreshed.  That might sound like a strange way to describe a dinner, but that's really how we both felt.  It was so different from our situation with S and we are so grateful we didn't let what S did to us influence this situation.  K is such a cute girl who tells random stories and made us all laugh repeatedly through dinner.  She's outgoing, and bubbly, and genuine, and all of this leaves us smiling and feeling refreshed!
During dinner K's grandma was asking some questions about our adoption journey thus far and asked if we had met any other birthmoms.  I briefly explained our recent heartbreak and both she and K were so surprised that young women actually do that to adoptive parents.  We explained we had no hard feelings, that this was a risk we were willing to take and that we were faithful to the adoption process, knowing the right child will find us.  Then when we were saying our good-byes K's grandma gave me a hug and said "Everything is going to work out just fine".  I find myself repeating this scene in my head over and over again, clinging to her words....everything is going to work out just fine...

S&Z

It's a Match!

We received a call tonight from the social worker that K has chosen us to parent her baby boy who is due to be born on January 26, 2011.  We have a much better feeling about this match.  It was a hard decision for us given our recent heartache, but we decided we couldn't let S's decision to parent affect the decision that we make about K.  It just wasn't fair to drag our baggage along into this situation.  We are so thankful that we chose to continue on this process right away, otherwise we may have missed out on this opportunity.  We pray for a healthy pregnancy for K, that she continue to have relationships with people who are supportive of her decision, and for a happy ending in 4 months!  We appreciate all of you who have shared in our sorrows over the last 9 days and hope your hearts are smiling just like ours right now!
S&Z

Meeting number two!

Wednesday we got a call from a social worker at our agency saying he showed our book and has a birthmom who wants to meet us.  Zach and I talked and prayed about it and decided we would meet with her and her grandma on Sunday.  We really are excited, but having a lot of mixed emotions at this point.  We know we are so blessed that we have been potentially chosen for a second time so quickly, but its another long wait and there are still some raw emotions from what we experienced last weekend.  I heard a newborn baby crying at work today and nearly started to cry myself.  I'm just so ready to be a mommy.  I guess God is bound and determined to teach me patience!! 

S&Z

Let the Ride Begin....Again!

Well we have decided to have our books shown again right away.  We have been knocked down for a brief moment, but we got back up and we are ready to become parents. 
Much to many peoples' disbelief we really don't have hard feelings toward S at this point.  We really don't understand her thought process on how she thinks she is going to parent her little girl, but that isn't and wasn't ever our decision.  She did apologize to me for changing her mind, and I replied that we never wanted her to have regrets if she decided to go through with the adoption, so we can't fault her for getting attached.  Don't get me wrong we've both had our moments over the past 2 days, but overall we have a good attitude about what has happened.  We are faithful to the adoption process and to the plan that is made for us.  We are drawing strength from our family, friends, and the Lord, knowing that the darkness will give way to light. 
So for now there may not be many updates, we have no idea how long we will wait for the call again.  Chances are it won't happen as quickly as it did the last time, but you never know.  God does some pretty amazing things! 

Much Love!
S&Z

.....failed

We just received a call from the adoption agency stating that S has changed her mind about the adoption plan and wants to try to parent this little girl.  We are initially angry and obviously heartbroken for this baby.  I had a feeling last night when I left S's room that something was up, but of course she didn't say anything to me about it.

We know that we will be ok, neither of us feel like we were really attached to this baby, we are attached to becoming parents.  We feel like God was really protecting our hearts in this one.  We had gone back and forth about what to name her, and quite honestly nothing that we had chosen fit her, and I really feel like there was a reason for that.  We wish S the best and ask for continued prayer for her and for this little girl.  She is the sweetest baby she just obviously wasn't meant to be our sweetest baby.

From here Zach and I are given the option of having our books held or shown again.  We aren't really sure what we are going to do, but we are leaning toward having them shown.  We feel like when it's right for us to become parents God will provide and we don't want to miss out on that opportunity.  Again we can't thank you enough for the love and support you all have shown.  We can't wait til it's real and we have a baby to welcome into such an amazing group of family and friends!! 

Blessings!
S&Z

Healthy Happy Baby Girl!

Baby girl arrived into the world yesterday, Sept. 9, at 3:44 pm weighing 7 lbs 3 oz and measuring 19 inches long.  She is beautiful and healthy!  We are overjoyed with her, but still obviously guarded.  Things are going as expected with S, she has decided she wants to see Baby more than she originally thought which is pretty common with birthmoms.  Our social worker helped her develop a schedule for who has Baby when.  We will have her from 8pm to 10am and S will have her during the day from 10am to 8pm.  This was a huge relief for us, and we actually came home this afternoon, just to get away from the stress for a little while.  The surrender is scheduled for 5:30 on Sunday and we hope to leave the hospital immediately after the surrender is signed.  A lot may change over the next 50 hours and we have to continue to be flexible.  We will post pictures when she is officially ours, but for now you can just take our word for it.....she is BEAUTIFUL!!

S&Z

Today's the Day!

I took S to her last appt yesterday and heard all the details from the dr.  Baby is healthy and everything is a go for today.  She and I had a good conversation and I feel pretty confident with her plan, but as I've said before it could fall apart in the blink of an eye.
I would say we are more faithful this time around than we were 2 weeks ago.  Zach and I have both been sleeping better and are not in pain with constant stomach aches.  I would describe it more like butterflies at this point.  We are excited and going to make the most of the next 3 days.  We decided last night that we would be heart broken if things don't work out regardless of how the time at the hospital goes, so we plan on enjoying our time being parents at the hospital and see what God has in store from there.  We know we will have the support of our social worker if and when we need it, as well as love and prayers from our family and friends.  We are just overwhelmed with the number of people we don't even really know who have told us they would be thinking and praying for us.  We have the best family and friends and you all have helped us through the this difficult time with your encouraging words.  We feel so blessed!!
Here's our motto for now:  1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Much Love.....
S&Z

We Have a Date....again

We got some good news today.  S called and said they had scheduled her c-section for next Thursday.  That was what we had expected after I took her to her appt last week, but nothing was scheduled until today. 
An agency worker took her to her appt on Monday and emailed us an update.  It seems as if everything is still going well with S and with baby.  We are definitely excited but guarded, especially after the events of last week. 
God is Good!!
S&Z

Couple more weeks

Well I have a bit more info today.  First I will say that the plan remains the same, we just had a huge eye opening yesterday as to some things that have been going on.  Of course we were crushed to find out this little girl wasn't arriving yesterday.
I took S to her appt today, the doctor was pretty insistant that they wouldn't do her c-section until her 39th week.  Her due date is still Sept. 16, so it looks like Sept. 9 will be the soonest this little girl will arrive.  We are doing our best to remain calm through all the stress.  We just keep reminding ourselves it is all out of our control.  I just read a blog from another adoptive mom, she wrote "Adoption is a difficult process, it isn't for the weak" and all I have to say to that is Amen sister! 
Thank you again for all of your support.  I have said it before and I will say it again...we have the most amazing family and friends.  Your support does not go unnoticed.  It means the world to us!!
S&Z

.....or not

Well of course it's a long story, but to make it short there is no baby today.  We aren't ready to discuss all of the details at this point.  We hope to find out more in the next day or so.  Please keep us in your prayers as we follow God on this wild ride.
S&Z

New Attitude

Well tomorrow is the day!  S is still on board.  She told us last night that she wants to meet this little girl, but doesn't want to see her a lot, so we are hoping to get a chance to really get to know this little girl while we are at the hospital. 
I came to the conclusion yesterday with the help of my wise husband, that most of this situation is out of our control (like I didn't know that before ;))  Anyhow my new philosophy is to do my very best at showing S God's grace and love over the next few days.  To let her know that Zach and I are ready and willing to offer an amazing life to this little girl.  That's all we can do.  If she decides to parent then we need to support her.  I know in my heart that Zach and I will be ok regardless, the right child will come to us in time, and we have an awesome support system to help us if things fall apart.  I'm not so sure that S has that support if she makes the wrong decision. 
Thanks for your continued prayers!!
We love you!!
S&Z

2 more days!

Well 48 hours from now we should be at the hospital.  I last talked to S on Friday before her Dr. appt and haven't heard from her since, so the stress continues.  It's so hard for people to understand the ups and downs that we are facing.  I feel like we should mostly experiencing excitement right now, and everyone keeps asking if we are excited.  Of course we are, but we are also very stressed out.  We are not at all sure that this is even going to work out.  We may not even make it to the hospital on Tuesday, or we could spend 3 days falling in love with this little girl, only to have our dreams crushed in the end.  So yes we are excited, but also scared to death and it's not the normal fears that most new parents have, it's so different. 
On the bright side, we have our bags packed and our ready to go.  The thought of this little girl being our brings joyful tears to my eyes.  Our hearts are so ready to become parents, and although it's simply an amazing thought right now, it could very soon be our reality. 
God's love,
S&Z

Countdown begins....8 days!

We confirmed today with S that her c-section is scheduled for next Tuesday, August 24th.  Holy smokes that's right around the corner....AAAAAAAHHHH (that's our excitement combined with a little fear). We pray things stay on track between now and then and that our time at the hospital goes smoothly and that we come home as 3! 
S&Z

Ease my Mind

Well we got some news yesterday, enough to ease my mind at least.  S is apparently in a lot of pain and very uncomfortable, but no new developments with the status of the baby.  Not sure why she didn't respond to any of my texts or voicemail since Tuesday, but I guess that will remain unknown.  The important part is that we heard from her and she and baby are ok. 
Thanks to everyone for you support during these past few days especially.  We've needed lots of prayer and encouragement!
 Love to you!  S&Z

No New News....

...and I mean NONE!  This is such a very stressful process.  I am ready for it to all be over!  I've had a stomach ache for days on end and my heart jumps every time my phone chimes with hopes that it's S.  I don't care if she's got good news or bad....I just want to know!!  I feel like every few hours I am praying for God to just take this burden off my shoulders knowing that He's ultimately in control and that He will bring us a child in His time.  Then within a few hours I find myself worrying all over again, so I pray, and the cycle continues!  I think God is trying to teach me patience, and I have to admit I'm not being a very good student. 
I wish I had some exciting news to share, but I don't.  I'm holding out hope, but I'm not going to lie, I'm not optimistic, at least not today. 
Blessings, S&Z 

Any day now....

So last week we got our first indication that this little girl may enter the world sooner than we originally thought.  Over the weekend we got even more info leading us to believe she may come this week!  We are unsure of all the details, but are VERY excited, nonetheless.  We raced around on Sunday and got all the last minute items, washed up some more clothes, and packed a bag for the hospital.  S wants us to come to the hospital with her, and would like us to stay for the time that the baby is there. 
Please continue to include S and baby in your prayers.  Zach and I are praying to come home as 3, but know everything could fall apart very quickly, so we pray for peace as God's plan reveals itself in the weeks to come.
Much love,
S&Z

Roller Coaster....

I thought once we were matched things would get easier, but they really haven't.  They may have actually gotten a little more difficult.  The ups and downs continue, although S (our birthmom) continues to be very confident in her decision.  It's so hard for us to know that this is potentially our daughter, but we have no clue what's going on with her or how S is taking care of herself.  I just keep praying for patience and strength as we continue on this roller coaster ride. 
I have had a couple of discussions with S about how much contact she wants or how she is going to feel the day the baby is born.  Her answers vary, but she is always faithful with this adoption plan.  All we can do at this point is trust her words and pray for patience as God's plan unfolds.
Thanks to all of you for your love and support.  S&Z

All is well....

Just wanted to post a quick update.  I got to go with our Birthmom to her OB appointment today, all is well with her and the baby.  The plan is still the same....she hasn't wavered in her decision to place this baby.  We have spent time quite a bit of time with her and have enjoyed getting to know her and her family.  We feel blessed to be able to share some random info with this little girl someday about her birth family.  I think it will be awesome to tell her where her curly hair came from (if she has curly hair;) or that her love for strawberries came from her birthmom (if she loves strawberries).
Blessings!!  S&Z

We've Been Matched!!

Well let me just first apologize for not updating this sooner, but we wanted to be cautious with how quickly we blurted this out to the world!!  WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A DAUGHTER IN SEPTEMBER....hopefully!

We got a call the Monday after we turned in our books that a birthmom wanted to meet our family.  That was surprise enough as we don't know when we are being shown to a birthmom (some agencies will call each time they are going to show your book...ours does not and we are thankful for that).  We met with birthmom and her mom two days later and got a call from the director of the agency before we got home that she had chosen our family!  We first were in shock, and then we got excited, but not too excited because we know this could all fall apart at any moment.
Zach and I have decided to be involved in Birthmom's life as much as she wants us to be, and so far she wants us to be a part of her life.  I got to hear the baby's heartbeat at the doctor last week, we've gone to dinner, and even met her parents.  We know to some people this seems weird, but we just feel like she is a member of our family and we want to treat her as such.  She is giving us the greatest gift, with a decision that wasn't made easily.  She is choosing a better life for this little girl and we totally respect and admire her for that.
Zach and I have really thought about what happens if this fails, and we both have faith that we will be ok.  We know by being so involved we could be setting ourselves up for pain, but we also know that we could be making an awesome impact on this young lady's life.  God brought her into our lives for some reason, and while we are not guaranteed this little girl in the end, that may not be the point of all of this.  We feel very strongly that we are to show God's love to this woman, make a positive impact on her, and possibly help her change her direction in life. 
Please continue to pray for this young woman and this little girl.
Much love!!

Our Books are in the Mail!!

I just returned from mailing our life books out to the 8 social workers our agency has through the state of Ohio.  For those of you who aren't familiar with what happens next I'll give you a little over-view of how our agency works.  Our agency social workers will begin showing our books to birthparents who match up with our criteria.  Birthparents then choose a couple to parent their child.  They could want to meet us before making a final decision or they might just choose us!  We will not be made aware each time we are shown, and we will only get a call when we are matched.  These women are at various points of their pregnancies, many referrals come from the hospital after the baby is born, so we may not have much notice before bringing our baby home!!  We are very excited, but know this may not happen as quickly as we hope.  We are praying for patience as we wait...for those of you who know me, I need a lot of prayers for that :)  I will definitely to my best to keep updating as exciting news comes about.  As always we are grateful for your continued love and support!!

Paying it Forward

This was the appropriate title of my transformation journal this morning.  Last night Zach and I experienced an awesome and unexpected gift from some amazing brothers and sisters in Christ.  This just summed it up this morning when I was reading the reflection....
"God is a confirming God. Jesus told them who witnessed His miracles, "If you can't believe based on my words, believe based on my works - these miracles I'm doing. (If you cannot trust me, at least let these works that I do in my Father's name convince you.) I assure you, most solemly I tell you, the person who trusts me (steadfastly believes in me), will not only do what I'm doing but even greater things" (John 14:11)."
What we received last night was a "work" of Christ to us, definitely convincing us more of God's will, and words cannot express how grateful we are for it.
We are really getting so excited for this adoption, ready to find out what God has in store for us, but I know we'll have to be patient....it will all be perfect in His time. 

Homestretch of our Homestudy

This week is a big week for us.  By Thursday we will be done with our required pre-service training classes and we should have a completed homestudy!!!  We are definitely excited about that.  By the end of the week we will have sent out our profile books to 8 social workers throughout the state of Ohio who will show birthparents whenever they decide to form an adoption plan for their child.  We could be chosen at any time which freaks me out more than I like to admit!  I have been having some anxiety attacks about the fact that we could be parents very soon!  I know in my heart that God is in control and will match us with our perfect child when the time is right, but try telling that to my unconscious mind that keeps me dreaming about being matched over and over again through the night!! 
We continue to pray for our birthmother, that she have confidence in her decision to develop an adoption plan for her child.  We also continue to pray that our child is healthy, although we know that God won't give us anything we can't handle, and we have faith in Him!!  Please continue to join us in prayer as we enter into the stage of waiting....which could be the most difficult for me yet. 

Thankful for the Have Not's

Monday night we attended our first adoptive parenting class at Kettering Hospital.  The class is lead by a woman who has an adopted daughter who is 28 years old, and we got to hear her story, which included several bumps in the road.  Then we got to go around and share whatever we felt comfortable sharing about our stories.  On the way home Zach and I both agreed we were so thankful that God had prepared me for my infertility from very young age.  Almost everyone in the class was surprised by their infertility, we were not.  I think everyone there had  tried Clomid without success, we have not.  Most everyone has had miscarriages or failed rounds of in vitro, we have not.  It became so clear to me last night that I am so blessed to have known my calling and my future as an adoptive parent for so many years.  Even though this adoption stuff is a little overwhelming and definitely not easy, I am so thankful to not have to face the heartache of infertility with surprise, it's bad enough when you're prepared.  My heart goes out to anyone who has ever dealt with this ugly condition known as infertility.

Countdown to April 30th

I know I shouldn't wish away time, but I really cannot wait for April to be over.  The remainder of the month is crazy busy with wrapping up our homestudy and the end of our training.  Both of these things mean that by the end of April, if all goes as planned, we will be eligible and waiting for a match! 
Our first home visit last week went very well.  We are so happy with our decision to pursue our journey with Adoption Link.  We have our second home visit next Wednesday, and our homestudy should be complete by the end of April.  The paperwork, profile, life books, and references are winding down, which is very exciting!!  After our homestudy is complete we wait to be chosen by a birthmom, which we can't help but get excited about.  
We are taking 36 hours of pre-service training to become licensed adoptive parents in Lima (which is about an hour away) every Tuesday and Thursday for the remainder of the month.  The good news is we are halfway done, and that's what we are trying to focus on. 
I will do my best to keep the blog updated with any news.  Again Zach and I both want to thank you all for your prayers.  We have been told so much recently of all the people who are included us in their prayers daily.  We feel so honored and blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives!! 

Garage Sale Update

We had our garage sale this past weekend and managed to raise over $700 for our adoption fund.  Thanks so much to all the people who helped us raise this money to help bring our baby home.  We are so blessed!! 
Saturday we start our education classes in Lima and the next 4 weeks will consist of 36 hours of training/education.  We also have our first home visit with our social worker next Wednesday, so it's going to be a busy week for us.  Please keep Zach and I as well as our child in your prayers as we enter this stressful month of our homestudy.  Thanks again....you all are AMAZING!!

Visions

As I was reading my transformation journal this morning about Daniel and his dreams and visions, I can't help but envision what our family will look like when we get our baby.  I am so curious to know what God has in store for us.  We were out at dinner last night, and I couldn't help but look around at the families in the restaurant.  There was a family next to us with 2 blond haired, blue eyed children, that looked exactly like their parents.  Then there were 2 African American children with Caucasian parents.  Another family had several red-headed children that didn't resemble anyone at their table.  All these families were just that, families....despite the color of their skin or hair.  The definition of family according to dictionary.com is a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for. 
I find myself looking at families a lot lately.  Will God bless us with a Caucasian, African American, or bi-racial child??  I can't help but wonder.  Regardless of race or hair color, I know we will love him or her with all our hearts and he or she will become part of our family.  We have faith that God will match us with our perfect child!

Self Assessment Complete

I just sent our self assessment to our social worker.  Whew...that was exhausting.  I think it ended up being 21 pages about our lives!  We start our education classes on April 3rd and have our first home visit on April 7th.  So the process is moving along.  We are having a garage sale next weekend, hoping to make some cash for the baby fund.  Our friends and family have been very gracious donating some great items for us to sell.  I placed an ad in the paper tonight, and we'll be praying for good weather and a good turnout next weekend.
We continue to thank you for all of your love and support!

Living by the Checklist!

That's going to be my philosophy until our homestudy is complete.  We had our first meeting with the director of our agency on Wednesday and walked out with a BIG stack of papers, which was a bit overwhelming, but I think we've got it under control!  We were assigned a social worker, who we met at the Adoption Fair and are very excited to work with her.  Our first step was to get registered for our required education courses, which I did on Friday, and it's checked off the list.  There are about 20 other things we have to complete, but I think I have about all of them at least started.  Our first goal is to get our self assessments done and then we can have the first of two home visits with our social worker.  We are hoping to have the whole process done by the beginning of May, but I have to remember this is not a race, and it will work out in God's time!  Please continue to pray for our child and birthmother, as well as Zach and I as we have some tough decisions to make as we continue on this journey. 

Today is the Day

Today is the day we begin our homestudy!  It seems so surreal, and yes we are both a little nervous.  Since I was about 16 I knew that at some point in my life I would adopt at least one child, and now 11 years later, we begin that process.  It's so exciting!  My heart is smiling at the thought of becoming parents. 
Blessings!!

And the Homestudy Begins

I received a call today from the director of Adoption Link.  We will be meeting with her in the office to initiate our homestudy next Wednesday March 10th.  We are so excited....I wish we could go tomorrow!!

Application Complete!

As of this morning at 8:45 our application with Adoption Link is in the mail!  We assume we will be starting the homestudy process early next week, which could take anywhere from 6-12 weeks!  This is a HUGE step closer to our child and we are soooo excited.  Please continue to include Zach and myself, as well as our child and birthmom in your prayers, as our child could already be conceived, just waiting on us!!

An Answered Prayer

Well Zach and I had decided before we applied with our agency that we should probably have our taxes done.  We wanted to be cautious and ensure that we wouldn't have to pay any additional taxes that would cause us to overstretch our budget.  Well we found out last Saturday that we would in fact have to pay additional taxes as our withholdings were less this year than last for some unknown reason.  We were devastated, angry, questioning God and His plan for us.  By Sunday, with a little help from the sermon at church, we realized that we are on "the road less traveled" and this was not going to be an easy journey for us.  There will be times that we encounter potholes of various sizes, feeling like we are traveling alone, maybe even driving up a huge winding mountain unable to see the top, but we need to remember this is the plan that was made for us.  We need to remember that it will all be worth it in the end.  Well back to the title of this entry....Zach came home today and said that he will be getting a $1000 bonus in March!  I almost started to cry.  It's enough money to cover the taxes and allow us to continue with the application process.  It is so true that God will provide if we are patient and faithful.  It just makes me realize this adoption is do-able.  We may not know how right now, but it will work out in God's time and He will provide....He always does!!

Comfort and a Decision

Well the adoption fair  on Saturday proved to be very helpful.  We got to talk to a few social workers including the social worker from Adoption Link, the agency in which we were most interested.  It was then that I felt God sent us the sign we have been praying for, an affirmation that this was our "home".  We discovered a family from our church is working thru Adoption Link on the adoption of their second child.  I was able to contact that adoptive mother and talk to her about their experience with the agency.  It was so awesome to see a familiar face in such an unknown experience. 
So let the paperwork begin....we hope to have our application submitted soon and get our homestudy started soon after.  We are hoping for a quick process, but I know it's out of our control.  I feel a huge sense of relief in making this decision.  It just feels right! 

Adoption Fair tomorrow

Zach and I plan on attending an adoption fair in Dayton tomorrow.  The event consists of a couple of workshops and also gives us the chance to meet with adoption agencies.  We are very excited about this opportunity and hope it leads to some answers for us.  Difficult doesn't even begin to describe this decision so far....it's definitely the toughest decision I've ever made in my life....which is pretty unusual for me....I mean I think I've done pretty well so far.  I made a good decision about about college, a career, our house, and most importantly my husband, but this is just much more difficult than I ever anticipated.  We are beginning to question whether the timing is even right for us now.  I guess we will continue to pray for patience as God's plan for our lives unfolds.

The cards are stacked against us....

In the last week and a half I have been researching Haitian adoption and Haitian orphans pretty much on a daily basis, and what I've found is a bit discouraging.  Most adoption agencies are saying it's going to take years to get to figure out if "orphans" are really "orphans" or if their families are just lost in the mayhem of this earthquake.  As many of you have probably heard, much of the paperwork for the children who are truly orphans has been lost in the devastation.  Some agencies that I've come accross in my research are actually discouraging initiating a Haitian adoption at this time.  Last week I was fairly certain that this was an impossible feat.  Then at church on Sunday, we heard of a man by the name of Tyler in Fedja (about 30 miles from Port au Prince) who is part of an organization call GVCM (Global Vision Citadelle Ministries).  Tyler has already gotten 12 children out of Haiti and into the States. (These children had a family they had been matched with prior to the earthquake)  He is hoping to get more children out.  My heart lit up again!  This could be the way...I know it's a long shot...we are still too young, we don't have a homestudy, we haven't been married long enough, but hey God can do amazing things, so who am I to say this can't be done.  I have emailed Tyler at GVCM to see what advice he can provide to us, and I have yet to hear back from him.  Please pray for us, pray for these children, and pray for all the civilians that are there helping simply because it's the right thing to do.

Love to all of you!

Haiti on my heart

So just when we thought we felt confident about our decision with a domestic agency, Haiti gets hit with the earthquake, leaving even more children without parents.  I feel like God is laying a Haitian child on my heart.  So I've looked into Haitian adoption, and as of right now the regulations are very strict.  One parent must be 35 years old, and couples must be married for over 10 years.  If a couple has fertility issues the length of marriage can be lessened, but one parent still has to be 30, which we are not.  (This is one of the first times in my life I wish I was 30;))  I have checked with various agencies to see if their requirements are any different, so far this is pretty general, I think it's just the regulations of Haiti.  I guess with time those regulations could be lessened and we may be able to provide a child with a loving home.  So much more to think about....praying that God will show us the way!